“does frankencense cause pooping”

My blog server keeps me up to date on Google searches that lead people to my website. It’s often rather horrifying. I’ve written about cheerleaders and girl scouts and boobs and Bigfoot and underwear and strippers and space aliens and hookers and guns and God and Godzilla and Republicans and ankle socks and outhouses, after all. The Google Overlords stir it all up in a steamy stew of perversion with my name on it.

Who'd have thought this would attract knee-sock fetishists? Except, of course, knee-sock enthusiasts.
Who’d have thought this would attract knee-sock fetishists? Except, of course, knee-sock fetishists.   Missy circa 1968.

Missy’s name, rather.

Today’s title came from an April 21 internet inquiry. I’m able to see the query, but not the queer duck who sent it.

Here’s a quandary: I desperately want to use that word “queer” to cleverly tie in with the word “query.” These are the things that delight a geeky pseudo-writer’s heart – poetic niceties and rhyming games and sophomoric alliterative phrases (an especially harsh critic once accused me of intellectual masturbation, and yes, it’s that, too). It’s fun to mess around. Yet that once-respectable old-fashioned word “queer” was perverted or subverted or everted (you see, I can’t help myself) into hate speech. While the LGBT community has reclaimed it with pride, methinks Missy should retire it — after today. My gay friends will forgive me this one last indiscretion (please).

Today’s post ought to be a big winner in terms of web-search terms (there I go again. Perhaps I should just turn off the computer and go scrub the toilet or wash those mildewing towels piled on the floor downstairs; the pile is at least in the laundry room). One paragraph in, I’ve used the words “pooping” and “masturbation” and “perversion,” along with the ever-popular and always-paired “cheerleaders” and “boobs.” What strange new roads will now lead to MIRTH?

On May 5, a lonely soul with double-negative issues searched for “the team who has cheerleader with no panties neither bra” and found me. I fear he was disappointed.   On April 30, someone looked for “small tits asia babysitter” and was directed to my site. Really? I’ve also had “sex with bigfoot,” “exotic bitches panties,” and “raped by hot aliens” show up (April 2, April 24, and May 9). No lie.

You'll live to regret googling on that.
You’ll live to regret googling on that.

I’ll apologize in advance for making fun of you, should you be responsible for any of those searches. Or maybe I won’t. You may THINK you have internet privacy, but some social engineer somewhere is compiling a list of all your shameful prurient late-night obsessive dark-underbelly interests. God is doing that, too, but at least His motives are pure. He won’t be targeting you with ads for blow-up dolls or blue movies or male enhancement vacuum pumps. He just wants to condemn you to hell.

An older gentleman I know works very hard to keep up with technology and probably does a better job of it than I – I have no right to patronize (not that that will stop me). This fellow is apt to say, altogether earnestly, “I’ll just google on that.” That phrase has now become part of O’Brieniana – we are forever googling on stuff.

I’m proud to say there is one item you can google on that will pull MIRTH up as the first and best match — #1 on the hit list, in all the vastness of the blogosphere! That that item exists only in the realm of O’Brieniana does not matter. It is the Segregated Knife, which we treasure along with our Ovulating Fans. People have actually sought on-line information about segregated knives. You can, too – Google will lead you straight to my February 2013 post. There are companies out there who pay big marketing bucks to position themselves at the top of Google searches, and I’ve accomplished it with a joke. Not bad, for an English major.

But I digress.

While frankincense has been used as a traditional medicine for thousands of years, I don’t believe it causes pooping. My hope is that my use of it here doesn’t – do let me know if that’s a MIRTH subscription side-effect.

On March 29, someone asked the web about “frankenscents and mirth and there uses.” I love the happy misspelling of myrrh. Somebody made my point without actually getting it at all.

. . . if you look closer it's easy to trace the tracks of my tears.
. . . if you look closer it’s easy to trace the tracks of my tears.

Frankincense is an aromatic resin long used in incense and perfumes. In many cultures, it’s thought that burning frankincense daily in the house brings good health. A 2008 study went further, reporting that frankincense smoke is a psychoactive drug that relieves depression and anxiety in mice. I’ve not tried that myself (yet), but it’s a mirthful thought. And frankincense oil can be used for relief from bites such as scorpion stings – a cure for the slings and arrows of this world.

Like all good things, this comes at a cost. Boswellia trees are slashed and left to bleed — the lost sap hardens into what are called tears. The tears are then gathered by hand, sorted by size, and turned into fragrant pleasures. How perfectly poignant is that? I suppose it’s what I hope to do here.

8 thoughts on ““does frankencense cause pooping”

  1. Denis

    My Father is smiling down, or maybe up, at your use of segregated knife. I’m not exactly sure who didn’t know that Afro-Americans were serrated and knives had segregated edges, but the “Old Man” overused it. As was his tendency, when he found someone’s (fox pass) that bordered on humor. I wanted to Google fox pass for correct spelling, but I knew I’d never get back to this note if I did. Thanx again for your style of a breath of fresh air humor, to clear out the poop aura of a shitty day. Perhaps “The Pillar” knows the culprit of the unfortunate mistake between “sergation and segated”. Love Denis

    • You get yourself a good joke, you’re allowed to repeat it — even if your children and grandchildren roll their eyes (and are still rolling them 45 years after your death. How’s that for a sort of immortality?). It’s like the family stories we tell again and again — making them a little better, every time, until the truth is somewhat obscured. Or maybe we bring out the parts that are really true, eh?

  2. Denis

    I did look it up those French Phools never could spell. Faux Pas.

  3. mary

    I bet you have lots of ovulating fans!

    • My fans are way too clever — you set the bar awfully damned high. Thanks for being one of them, Mary!

  4. Kevin A

    “Intellectual masturbation” struck me as especially funny. Thanks for that.

    • It’s really a great phrase — descriptive, perfectly understood, and a little shocking. Wish I could claim it.

      • Etoin Shrdlu

        I hope your Inquisitor did not claim ‘intellectual masturbation’ as his/her own creation, though I suspect your Inquisitor is not unfamiliar with unadorned masturbation. It is a term with a long and somewhat illustrious history. See also ‘musical masturbation’. As Woody Allen said, “Masturbation is sex with someone I love very much”. And then he married his stepdaughter.

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