Day 1: Heavily Armed, Easily Pissed

I dash to the store early on this crisp bright New Year’s morning, full of resolution and enthusiasm.

I’m proud of myself: I breathe deeply and overcome my irritation at discovering that there isn’t an ounce of coffee in the house. I don’t curse bitterly as I scrape thick ice off the car in sub-zero temperatures. I don’t scowl. I assume a peaceful zen-like expression and notice sunlight sparkling on individual crystals of snow.

I’m the perfect practitioner of Mindfulness

–for about four blocks.

I pull up behind a big-ass truck waiting to turn into the shopping plaza. It’s belching black clouds of smoke.

My zen chokes. Resentment flares. I just had to spend $50 on a new gas cap to get my own sorry little car to pass its damned emissions test, and here’s this enormous expensive penis-substitute polluting with impunity.

I catch myself ready to curse at the unfairness of it all. I breathe deeply despite the smothering oily exhaust. I look toward the horizon to find a more peaceful perspective.

The truck’s bumper sticker assaults me: HEAVILY ARMED. EASILY PISSED.

I do curse, then. It’s this man’s fear and hate and anger that’s making me cough, not his truck.

Can we set negativity emissions standards for humans? Hostile gasbags should be required to seal their fuel tanks.

In the meantime, I’ll put an I BREAK FOR UNICORNS sticker on my car – preferably one with rainbows, or snowflakes.

8 thoughts on “Day 1: Heavily Armed, Easily Pissed

  1. Colton B

    Good start!!
    It’s only 309 days until Nov 6, and I hope a turnaround.

    • Sweet Buttermilk Jesus, yes. Hope you’re still singing!

  2. When you find the Unicorn sticker, let me know! I’ll follow you from the Fort to Pueblo!

    My daughter used to have a bumper sticker that said, “If you aren’t outraged, you’re not paying attention”. “Nuff said.

    • Can’t take credit for the bumper sticker, alas. Years ago, Nicole Hollander had a Love Cop fairy in her comic strips who’d flit about trying to prevent tragic mis-matches. One involved a guy with an NRA sign and a girl with that unicorn one. I remember that often, looking at the couples around me. Where was Love Cop when they needed her?

  3. Mary M

    So I’m already a day behind reading you!

    • I’m already behind, too — it’s 6:45 AM on Day 3 and I’m staring at a blank screen. Coffee will help.

  4. Glad to see you back, F&M — I missed it, & admire your chutzpah for signing up for 365 days of this. Looking forward to more charming wit & trenchant insightery. As for Heavily Armed Danforth, I got nothing to say. Except I want to get a window sticker that has a big schmoopy teddy bear with “MOLON LABE” written across its anerabuhl fat tummy. Mockery is the only to win with a world full of assholes. I’ll give you one when I have them made up from the print shop.

    • I’ll happily go with Chutzpah. It beats Vanity, Foolishness, Pointlessness, and Misdirection. Thanks!

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