Day 13: Doubting Thomas Had A Point

Lily Tomlin said it best: No matter how cynical you become, it’s never enough to keep up.

I am not fooled by the instant sanitary seat cover at the airport: Press a button and the cover rolls around to offer your butt a pristine Saran-wrapped perch. Pee with peace of mind! Poop in perfect security!

I’m thinking that piece of plastic just rolls around – and around, and around.

You’re thinking I have Issues with bodily functions – and I don’t blame you a bit. In two short weeks I’ve touched on toilet paper, pre-moistened personal cleanliness wipes, and now this. I thought I was above adolescent potty humor – and really, I am. You won’t find any armpit-farting here.

Once you fix your attention on something, though, it tends to stays there. Perhaps there is something to the Laws of Attraction after all.

Yet I attract absurdity rather than affluence. I wake up every morning with a grateful heart and send my intentions out into the cosmos: Please, God, send me a retirement cushion or maybe just the cost of my kid’s braces. Hell, I’d settle for an extra $100 before payday.

I’m not greedy, you see. The universe should reward restraint.

Don’t be blaming the victim, here. Don’t be telling me it’s my own fault, since I should be demanding gold-plated toilets. Surely humility trumps avarice and excess in the cosmic balance of things.

Surely, she says again, as a sort of prayer.

We pray in public restrooms, too, seeking relief and crossing our fingers for cleanliness. It’s not cynical to approach gift-wrapped toilets cautiously in a world that sometimes shits on us.

And, yes, I’m flushed with triumph at having found a way to loop back around to the topic du jour. Whew!

2 thoughts on “Day 13: Doubting Thomas Had A Point

  1. Wendy H

    I myself have suspected these to be illusory… you are not alone! Also, they’re creepy. They like to try to wrap around while you’re still seated (at least, in the Amtrak terminal in Chicago.) “Wrrrrr” “WHAT?!”

    • Maybe it’s a Chicago thing — this was at O’Hare :-)

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