Lily Tomlin said it best: No matter how cynical you become, it’s never enough to keep up.
I am not fooled by the instant sanitary seat cover at the airport: Press a button and the cover rolls around to offer your butt a pristine Saran-wrapped perch. Pee with peace of mind! Poop in perfect security!
I’m thinking that piece of plastic just rolls around – and around, and around.
You’re thinking I have Issues with bodily functions – and I don’t blame you a bit. In two short weeks I’ve touched on toilet paper, pre-moistened personal cleanliness wipes, and now this. I thought I was above adolescent potty humor – and really, I am. You won’t find any armpit-farting here.
Once you fix your attention on something, though, it tends to stays there. Perhaps there is something to the Laws of Attraction after all.
Yet I attract absurdity rather than affluence. I wake up every morning with a grateful heart and send my intentions out into the cosmos: Please, God, send me a retirement cushion or maybe just the cost of my kid’s braces. Hell, I’d settle for an extra $100 before payday.
I’m not greedy, you see. The universe should reward restraint.
Don’t be blaming the victim, here. Don’t be telling me it’s my own fault, since I should be demanding gold-plated toilets. Surely humility trumps avarice and excess in the cosmic balance of things.
Surely, she says again, as a sort of prayer.
We pray in public restrooms, too, seeking relief and crossing our fingers for cleanliness. It’s not cynical to approach gift-wrapped toilets cautiously in a world that sometimes shits on us.
And, yes, I’m flushed with triumph at having found a way to loop back around to the topic du jour. Whew!