Day 20: First Things Last

Perhaps it depends on beauty as seen by the eye of the beholder: Boobs or butt first?

I’m attending a movie at a small indie theater earlier this week.

After saving a seat for myself, I venture out to the lobby to schmooze with friends. Returning with a glass of wine (such a civilized venue!), I find that the row has filled up.

There are several folks to climb over if I’m to reach my place (imagine an economy seat on a low-budget airline, the knees of one row pressed against the backs of the next).

I stop beside my row and smile expectantly.

Nothing happens.

I make a grand gesture toward the empty seat in the middle, still smiling.

The row continues to ignore me.

“Excuse me!” I say, brightly. “That’s my seat, there.” My smile is now forced.

The first woman rolls her eyes and moves her knees 5 degrees to the left, opening an inch of space. The man beside her sighs heavily and moves his knees 5 degrees to the right.

Isn’t the etiquette to stand and let people pass? To at least fake some courtesy?

They’re plopped there as inert as yesterday’s dog poop. Granted, they are old and large, but so am I.

I still have vitality, though, and some spunk. “OK, coming through!” I announce, holding my wine aloft and pushing in against the wall of resistant flesh.

I decide to face them rather than make them face my ass — it seems more polite. God knows you must be polite to yesterday’s dog poop.

It’s an elaborate lap dance. I weave and writhe down the line. I rub voluptuous body parts on strangers that I’ve never rubbed on Husband.

But the wine and I make it intact to my seat. I don’t even curse (out loud).

Do you front, or back? She asked, ingenuously.

11 thoughts on “Day 20: First Things Last

  1. Larry

    I’ve always wondered whether it was better to present crotch or butt. My balance is better if I can inch along holding the seat in front of the row, but I read in an etiquette guide that presenting butt to your row was seen as more rude. I don’t think they considered the awkwardness of having to arch backwards to get my large feet in the narrow gap while the slanted seatback thrusts my male crotch toward the faces in my row.

    • You’re right, of course. Never thought about the male crotch. So to speak.

  2. Larry

    You called them strangers. I hope they were. I have to believe that at least the people from our chorale would be more polite than that.

    • Strangers, absolutely. Chorale laps I’d simply have sat on :-)

  3. Kaf

    Butt first…perhaps releasing a dainty, ladylike fart enroute as payment for their lack of moving?? 😊

    • Perfect solution! Will be sure to implement.

  4. Wendy

    I know that row expectations and behavior are difficult to manage. There is no question that people sitting in said rows should step up (so to speak) and be accommodating (polite may be too lofty of a goal) to their fellow humans. That said, I also blame the designers of theaters who choose capacity over creature comfort. I attended a movie in one of the smaller theaters of the venue you are are discussing. It had about 5 longish rows (maybe 15-20 seats) with access at only one end. Unless the first arrivals voluntarily choose to sit closest to the wall, those who come after have no choice but to crawl over the occupants. I think people gravitate to center or aisle seats so, of course, the first 20 minutes of the movie was interrupted by late-comers. Why not an aisle at each end of the row? Or one in the middle? In this case, capacity would be reduced by about 5. This seems as much about safety as comfort. Also, the larger theater we were in on Wednesday has a capacity of 200 — we had 140 there. Did you see room for 60 more people? By the way, at most European venues I’ve frequented, people front. Americans tend to back.

    • I don’t do well in crowded places under the best of circumstances (crowds themselves being bad circumstances). Claustrophobia closes in, and I find myself sniffing for smoke, eyeing the nearest exit, and wondering if I’d be the one getting trampled or doing the trampling (all a question of timing, I suppose). Sixty more, that night? Can’t imagine how. You’re absolutely right, though: a center aisle, and access from each side. Planes and public places ought to consult Temple Grandin when treating us like cattle.

  5. Mary Jane

    My friend and I go to movies in the middle of the day, being elderly and on a strict budget. Sometimes we have the whole place to ourselves. We are never sure if it is the time or our choices… anyway when we have to get by I use my shakey left arm holding the big gulp out first. People move rright out of the way. Note the stutter a few words back. Works every time.

    • Brilliant! If I paired it with Kaf’s farting trick, I’d be unstoppable.

  6. Mary M

    Difficult choice sometimes! I like Mary Jane’s solution of the big gulp out in front and I think it might be even more effective with red wine. I was thinking I usually go with my rear to their faces, being slightly more comfortable with the thought of accidentally sitting on their laps, rather than accidentally clasping them to my bosom. However, if these oafs also had red wine in their hands, I might have accidentally sat in their wine. And then would have “accidentally” spilled mine, and rubbed it in thoroughly. Apologizing profusely for the fact that I hadn’t let them stand up!

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