Lily Tomlin said it best: No matter how cynical you become, it’s never enough to keep up. I am not fooled by the instant sanitary seat cover at the airport: Press a button and the cover rolls around to offer your butt a pristine Saran-wrapped perch. Pee with peace...
Can you hear the foul language hanging in the air? There, over that pan in the picture? One of my flaws (I know you’re shocked, but there are a few) is a penchant for pride. While it’s odd for someone wracked with insecurity to harbor proud secret vanities, I’m...
Our waitress sets the frothy amaretto martini before me and the scotch on the rocks in front of Husband. She smiles. I smile, too, and correct her. “He’s secure in his manhood,” I say. “He’s not afraid to order girlie drinks. The whiskey is mine.” Husband makes some sort...
“Mindful breathing is an indigenous praxis.” What fresh hell is this? Who writes a plodding incomprehensible sentence like that one? You can bet it’s someone with a thesaurus in hand, hunting for fancy words to make himself sound important. It’s someone trying to sound much older and wiser than...
The corner is a crime scene – 8 bodies slump over after a brutal execution-style slaying. Only the police tape is missing. Traffic slows to a crawl while we all drive by and rubber-neck, hoping for prurient details. Is anything more wretched and weary than a deflated inflatable? Yes!...